domingo, 20 de mayo de 2012
miércoles, 5 de enero de 2011
Tell the gigant man to stop it!!!
"Nena es que se sentia como si un gigante hubiera cogido el piso y lo hubiera meneado bien duro" said a slim old unknown man at the laundromat while shaking his shoulders as if dancing rumba, with maracas and those polyester,shiny, colorfull, con los pelos negros y gruesos del pecho exposed, fluffy arm shirts, a big mustache and saying "caliente, ay ay ay ay aaarrrrr". Then after his rumba impression of an earthquake he stood in a gayish fashion with his hip cocked to one side, left hand on the hip, while the right one acted every word he vocally expressed, maybe he knew sign language, but then again thats a puertorican innate skill.
"...like a gigant had shooked up the ground" that stucked in my brain...
"Hi, good evening I`m Miss Cipreni and I`ll be..." "Excuse me, I`m sorry what was your name again? Miss Che...pipi?" "No" Chupawa? Chubaca?" "No...umm sir..." "Cheerio? Cheetah?" "No,no its..." "Chuleta? Capri? Topeka?what who?" (what the hell? where the hell did he... it doesn`t even sound... whatever) "No, it`s Ciiiipreeeniiii" "Are you puertorican?" I thought: (NO I`M FROM NARNIA you cacahead!!) but I replied: "Yes yes, I`m puertorican. So, Mr. Pepito Pera, you came with Dx. Pneumonia/Acute Bronchitis/Head Trauma/Butt bleeding/Cholera/Ebola/Ass Obstruction/Culiquitaca/Broccolli/Tuberculosis/Boy George Syndrome with a Hx. Frequent Public Farting- like -disease. Are you having difficulty breathing?" "No" "Have you been coughing or expectoring any kind of secretions?" "A little bit" "Can you describe the secretions sir?" "Well, they`re green at first then they turn yellow, black, purple, brown, grey with lots of bubbles, hard, with pieces of meatballs. Sometimes it moves and at other times it talk. Oh and it smells like cotton candy"
After I heard him describe a troll, or whatever it was he was coughing out, I started doing a focused examination. "Sir, I`m gonna auscultate your lungs" after placing the stethoscope`s diaphragm on his back "Ok sir, now breath slowly" (ok, upper vesicular sounds, middle bronchial sound... oh, what..." chacacha chucuchu chacacha chucuchu, biribiri ban ban, biri ban ban, ah biri ah biri ah biri ban ban was the basal posterior lung sound. And as I heard it I started singing "... cada vez, cada vez que lo veo pasaaaar, se emociona, se emociona, ya no reaccciona y empieza a cantar" the lung: biribiri ban ban biri ban ban biribiri ban ban biri ban ban. The auscultation process was going melodically good, even thought of starting a new career, but suddenly... just suddenly... the gigant man came.
While still auscultating, with the stethoscopes earplugs on (Why is this man moving so much? Hmm, crap, are you gonna keep on moving?) I turn my eyes toward the patient`s family were I met their stare.
Looking straight into their eyes was like looking at those old black and white psycho-horror films scene where they record only the hysterical eyes. You know, those scene were one of the character sees a monster or vampire or werewolf or chupacabras or is about to get butchered and screams but the camera focuses on the eyes. Like the Psycho movie shower scene. At that moment I thought (What are they looking at? Tendre un moquito en la nariz? What the hell? Are this people retarded?) Then I felt funny. Then I was moving...without moving...weird...isn`t it? (Hmmm, is this a...no it can`t be...I`ve never...no...) Then my stare moved from the patient`s family to the window. And there I saw it...the gigant man or maybe it was a gigant woman going through menstrual cramps screaming: "TYLLENOL!!!!!. I saw the plastic cover of the windows tremble like the rumba shaking shoulders, first slowly and then like rumba hell. Its was as if God had said: "Release the Cracken!!" or "Release the Crackhead". They made a horrible sound "BUM BUM BUM!!" or perhaps it was "Swoosh swooosh swooosh!!". When I finally realize what was going on (Terreeeemotoooooo!!!!AAAAyyyyy Dios mio!!!!!!! AAaaaaahhh Aaaahhhhh!! We`re going to die!! Ay nos morimos!! Nos aplasta la cosa estaaaa!!!) Obviously only stayed in my head, I tried to hold my composture. Have you ever been in one of those situations were everybody knows whats going on, everybody thinks about doing the same thing, but nobody acts like they really know, so nobody does anything thinking that the other will think their retarded.
I took off my earplugs and thinking of the end of my days, a lady finally breaks the normally akward silence and says: "Ay, yo creo que esta temblando. Es un terremoto" (No shit lady) And as a normal response to an abmnormal situation we started moving in concentric circle, not really moving anywhere or knowing what the hell to do. Now I understand ants when they run for they`re lives.
(Ok, calm down calm down!!) But as I came to my senses I realized everybody in this patient`s room and others comming out to the hall where looking at me and as the multitude encircled me, they exclaimed "Oh thy great lider, oh chosen one, lead us..." (I ain`t leading nobody nowhere) "... lead us from the punishment, lead us through our despair." At that moment I grew a big beard, became bold, I was holding a wood cane. But just as I was about to run out of the hospital, somebody gave the gigant woman some Tyllenol stat. The gigant woman said in a transvesti-like- Grace-Jones-voice: "Aaahh, Ay graciaaaaasss! Hmmmmm!"
Finally, after everything settle down I thought "Maybe I should review the emergency evacuation process guide."
"...like a gigant had shooked up the ground" that stucked in my brain...
"Hi, good evening I`m Miss Cipreni and I`ll be..." "Excuse me, I`m sorry what was your name again? Miss Che...pipi?" "No" Chupawa? Chubaca?" "No...umm sir..." "Cheerio? Cheetah?" "No,no its..." "Chuleta? Capri? Topeka?what who?" (what the hell? where the hell did he... it doesn`t even sound... whatever) "No, it`s Ciiiipreeeniiii" "Are you puertorican?" I thought: (NO I`M FROM NARNIA you cacahead!!) but I replied: "Yes yes, I`m puertorican. So, Mr. Pepito Pera, you came with Dx. Pneumonia/Acute Bronchitis/Head Trauma/Butt bleeding/Cholera/Ebola/Ass Obstruction/Culiquitaca/Broccolli/Tuberculosis/Boy George Syndrome with a Hx. Frequent Public Farting- like -disease. Are you having difficulty breathing?" "No" "Have you been coughing or expectoring any kind of secretions?" "A little bit" "Can you describe the secretions sir?" "Well, they`re green at first then they turn yellow, black, purple, brown, grey with lots of bubbles, hard, with pieces of meatballs. Sometimes it moves and at other times it talk. Oh and it smells like cotton candy"
After I heard him describe a troll, or whatever it was he was coughing out, I started doing a focused examination. "Sir, I`m gonna auscultate your lungs" after placing the stethoscope`s diaphragm on his back "Ok sir, now breath slowly" (ok, upper vesicular sounds, middle bronchial sound... oh, what..." chacacha chucuchu chacacha chucuchu, biribiri ban ban, biri ban ban, ah biri ah biri ah biri ban ban was the basal posterior lung sound. And as I heard it I started singing "... cada vez, cada vez que lo veo pasaaaar, se emociona, se emociona, ya no reaccciona y empieza a cantar" the lung: biribiri ban ban biri ban ban biribiri ban ban biri ban ban. The auscultation process was going melodically good, even thought of starting a new career, but suddenly... just suddenly... the gigant man came.
While still auscultating, with the stethoscopes earplugs on (Why is this man moving so much? Hmm, crap, are you gonna keep on moving?) I turn my eyes toward the patient`s family were I met their stare.
Looking straight into their eyes was like looking at those old black and white psycho-horror films scene where they record only the hysterical eyes. You know, those scene were one of the character sees a monster or vampire or werewolf or chupacabras or is about to get butchered and screams but the camera focuses on the eyes. Like the Psycho movie shower scene. At that moment I thought (What are they looking at? Tendre un moquito en la nariz? What the hell? Are this people retarded?) Then I felt funny. Then I was moving...without moving...weird...isn`t it? (Hmmm, is this a...no it can`t be...I`ve never...no...) Then my stare moved from the patient`s family to the window. And there I saw it...the gigant man or maybe it was a gigant woman going through menstrual cramps screaming: "TYLLENOL!!!!!. I saw the plastic cover of the windows tremble like the rumba shaking shoulders, first slowly and then like rumba hell. Its was as if God had said: "Release the Cracken!!" or "Release the Crackhead". They made a horrible sound "BUM BUM BUM!!" or perhaps it was "Swoosh swooosh swooosh!!". When I finally realize what was going on (Terreeeemotoooooo!!!!AAAAyyyyy Dios mio!!!!!!! AAaaaaahhh Aaaahhhhh!! We`re going to die!! Ay nos morimos!! Nos aplasta la cosa estaaaa!!!) Obviously only stayed in my head, I tried to hold my composture. Have you ever been in one of those situations were everybody knows whats going on, everybody thinks about doing the same thing, but nobody acts like they really know, so nobody does anything thinking that the other will think their retarded.
I took off my earplugs and thinking of the end of my days, a lady finally breaks the normally akward silence and says: "Ay, yo creo que esta temblando. Es un terremoto" (No shit lady) And as a normal response to an abmnormal situation we started moving in concentric circle, not really moving anywhere or knowing what the hell to do. Now I understand ants when they run for they`re lives.
(Ok, calm down calm down!!) But as I came to my senses I realized everybody in this patient`s room and others comming out to the hall where looking at me and as the multitude encircled me, they exclaimed "Oh thy great lider, oh chosen one, lead us..." (I ain`t leading nobody nowhere) "... lead us from the punishment, lead us through our despair." At that moment I grew a big beard, became bold, I was holding a wood cane. But just as I was about to run out of the hospital, somebody gave the gigant woman some Tyllenol stat. The gigant woman said in a transvesti-like- Grace-Jones-voice: "Aaahh, Ay graciaaaaasss! Hmmmmm!"
Finally, after everything settle down I thought "Maybe I should review the emergency evacuation process guide."
viernes, 12 de noviembre de 2010
Nightshift rationale
Strange things happpen during the nightshift. The thought process isn`t as accurate as it should be for healthcare workers. Its like a syndrome that manifests itself; first by twelve o`clock starting with a feeling of gaining weight on your feet, speed decrease, then eyelids heavyness and an asyncronized eye flashing are observed. Then by 1:30 am a slight desorientation, loss of balance, dysarthria steps in, decrease in sincronized ambulation and an ataxic-like-gait is observed, increase moments of spontaneous deep REM sleep patterns while standing or sitting or even during ambulation, where one assumes the same cathatonic positions like a drug addict in the middle of their crack trip. Finally a slight sicosis, no awareness between whats real and unreal. I call this the nightshift circadian dysryithmic syndrome. We all know or have gotten to know this syndrome. This is a small example.
RN Ms. Culiquitaca arrives with 10 Units of Platletes: "Ms. Cipreni can you double check this units for me?" Ms.Cipreni:"Yes, of course" While double checking the number series (W63251012558) The Unit (W63251012558) The paper, (W63251056779) The Unit (W63251056779) The paper, and so on....until...(W63251...)zzz zzz.. What, what?...pheww... (w6325...." and in a very far away voice I heard Ms.Culiquitaca asking "Hey Cipreni, and what was the time limit to tranfuse the platelets?" An in a semiconscious state I replied " It can be between 30minutes...zzzzz...zzzz...uh uh hump.zzzzzz.. to 48hrs.... (no wait, check yourself, you just said something weird, irrational and stupid...think... WAKE UUUUUUUP!!!) And as I slowly and asyncronized opened my eyes, like the eyes of those porcelein dolls with one open and the other halfway there, there she was, Ms. Culiquitaca looking straight at me "Cipreni, you actually think that I`m going to stand bedside for two days until the Platelets are transfused?...Just signed the damm papers.
RN Ms. Culiquitaca arrives with 10 Units of Platletes: "Ms. Cipreni can you double check this units for me?" Ms.Cipreni:"Yes, of course" While double checking the number series (W63251012558) The Unit (W63251012558) The paper, (W63251056779) The Unit (W63251056779) The paper, and so on....until...(W63251...)zzz zzz.. What, what?...pheww... (w6325...." and in a very far away voice I heard Ms.Culiquitaca asking "Hey Cipreni, and what was the time limit to tranfuse the platelets?" An in a semiconscious state I replied " It can be between 30minutes...zzzzz...zzzz...uh uh hump.zzzzzz.. to 48hrs.... (no wait, check yourself, you just said something weird, irrational and stupid...think... WAKE UUUUUUUP!!!) And as I slowly and asyncronized opened my eyes, like the eyes of those porcelein dolls with one open and the other halfway there, there she was, Ms. Culiquitaca looking straight at me "Cipreni, you actually think that I`m going to stand bedside for two days until the Platelets are transfused?...Just signed the damm papers.
Calling all poops!!!
Why? Oh why God, do people wait until 2 or 3am in the morning to suddenly remember they haven`t crap for over 3 days... What am I supposed to do?
Dramatization
2a.m.
"Good morning Doctor Firulay, this is Ms. Cipreni speaking..." (On the other end) "yaaaaawwwwnnn, hump uh {cough} {cough}... what...Pipi what..who...hello, hello?..."This is Ms. Cipreni speaking and I`m calling concerning your patient Ms. Cucu from room 401C and she verbilized she hasn`t been able to poop for over 14 days, I was wondering if you could prescribe her some Cephulac or..." {takes a deep breath} "...
A Sudden German metamorphosis
What do you do when there is an emergency at 3am in the morning and you need to talk to the attending physician but suddenly he or she talks in an unkown language.
3a.m.
"Um, Good Morning Doctor Lelolay, this is Ms. Cipreni speaking, and I`m calling concerning Mr. Trululu, from room 504B.." (at the other end) "hump huh {cough} {cough}...what...Ms. Pipi ... who, what... hello, hello?" ..."Doctor Firulay this is Ms. Cipreni and I`m calling concernig Mr. Trululu from room 504B his been referring chest pain, fatigue, his vital signs are HR110/min and irregular, RR28/min, BP 178/100mmHg,T 37.8 C, he looks diaphoretic, troponins levels are positives" (at the other end) "... Hump hu {cough} {snifff} {cough} ... put the pachtznitzer on tridhaitzner to run at {cough} fitz millerhoutzen per hour and take troposnautzer evhgrg sxxh for tu..{sniff} then call me back." "...Ok, umm...ok, so it... um let me refrase... you want to put the patient on tridhlar to..." (other end) "Yes, on tridil ..." "...tu run at..." "other end" ...silence... "Hello, Doctor Lelolay?" ... "Yes"... "Ok, thank you Ill call you as soon as possible".... "What the hell did he mean... Crap!"...
3a.m.
"Um, Good Morning Doctor Lelolay, this is Ms. Cipreni speaking, and I`m calling concerning Mr. Trululu, from room 504B.." (at the other end) "hump huh {cough} {cough}...what...Ms. Pipi ... who, what... hello, hello?" ..."Doctor Firulay this is Ms. Cipreni and I`m calling concernig Mr. Trululu from room 504B his been referring chest pain, fatigue, his vital signs are HR110/min and irregular, RR28/min, BP 178/100mmHg,T 37.8 C, he looks diaphoretic, troponins levels are positives" (at the other end) "... Hump hu {cough} {snifff} {cough} ... put the pachtznitzer on tridhaitzner to run at {cough} fitz millerhoutzen per hour and take troposnautzer evhgrg sxxh for tu..{sniff} then call me back." "...Ok, umm...ok, so it... um let me refrase... you want to put the patient on tridhlar to..." (other end) "Yes, on tridil ..." "...tu run at..." "other end" ...silence... "Hello, Doctor Lelolay?" ... "Yes"... "Ok, thank you Ill call you as soon as possible".... "What the hell did he mean... Crap!"...
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